Conversations with My Ego: Lessons I Didn’t Want but Needed

Appreciation is my love language. I feel loved when someone appreciates me in words. Praises me. Applauds me.

And over the years, looking at my life, I am realizing there has been a thin line between this love language and it converting into me seeking external validation. I am absolutely not proud, but most of my actions during the initial phases of my corporate career and even as a mentor have been about this. My intentions have been of helping someone but expecting appreciation in return and be in limelight. I had to mention everything I did and seek the next achievement at work, for that short lived dopamine hit of appreciation. A friend I helped and I would talk about it to everyone, an employee I helped grow and of course spoke about it, a meeting where I stood against the management and yes spoke about my courage to everyone not to inspire but to be appreciated.

I do not know when this love language of mine transformed into the need of external validation.

Till last year in September, I was still in this phase of appreciation hungry. I am extremely proud of what I have achieved and who I am. And that external validation just massages that pride further and gets my ego up.

I have had these pockets of times when I felt the shame coming in with the awareness. Being on a spiritual journey, you are aware. Highly aware and keep scrutinizing all that you do, feel and think. I reduced my ego tripping to an extent, but it kept on peeping up.

But something changed last September, which shook the f*ck out of me and I started letting go of my ego one bit by bit.

Trigger warning: Suicide

On September 25th 2024, my phone was buzzing with numerous calls since morning. I was unwell and at my in laws’ place to rest and recuperate as my son was ill too. The phone was on silent.

When I did call back the first friend, my heart broke at the news she told me and my entire body went stiff and rigid. A 10th grade girl in our society had jumped from the 8th floor and had succumbed to stress, society’s expectations of academic good girl benchmark. Even as I type this right now, my eyes are moist and I ask myself,

“How did she find the courage to do something so drastic?”
“How did she thought taking her life was easier than living it?”

Like how?

And amidst these questions and immense grief, I cried for almost a week. Moved the grief through my body with movement. Journaled. Cried, cried and cried.

And then I rose……

This was the f*cking first time in my life, where it was not about me anymore. About seeking appreciation or validation. It was about doing something for this cause, to ensure this does not happen again as much as possible.

Of being led with a purpose bigger than me.

Because that girl’s life mattered.
My life matters.
My family member’s life matters.
Your life matters.

It matters. It does.

It was not about me anymore.

It was about this purpose bigger than me. And then was birthed ‘Hope’ with it. An initiative where I have been bringing one program for all of you at zero fees. Where it was about someone else as an expert facilitating the session, and not me. Where we showed up even if there was just one person in audience. Where we put all our love and drove it with purpose.

I am someone, who does something once and puts it out all over social media. But this time, I sat with each of my program. I gave it time to really check in with myself and feel why am I doing this? This is the fourth month where there will be another program under ‘Hope’. It has been 4 freaking months of talking it out with my ego, reminding myself that it is not about me and letting someone else take the stage and me being a participant.

And every time I write about an upcoming event, and my ego asks “What is in it for you?”

I go back to the first place where it all started. Where I transformed my grief in giving back to the society. Keeping myself aside.

And well, what is it in for me?

For me,
It has freaking transformed my mission into a firelit purpose creating a world,

• Where I desire women to realize their value is not based on their ‘productivity’,

• Where we don’t gulp umpteen cups of caffeine to have energy for our day, rather rely on our stillness and rest,

• Where we define success for ourselves and not let society’s benchmarks box us in a pursuit of doing, doing and doing,

• Where we do not need sabbaticals to reset our health,

• Where irregular periods, hormone fluctuations, arthritis, joint pains, headaches and insomnia are not normalised as modern world lifestyle problems,

• Where we listen to our innate intelligence aka intuition, trust and have faith in it,

• Where stress is something which we can navigate on a regular basis and not turn it into a chronic illness,

• Where we feel beautiful inside out, throwing away the society’s definition of it.

• Where we have boundaries as a love language and not shrink away,

• Where we emerge as leaders of the future first taking our wellbeing in our own hands.

A world where you are,
𝘠𝘰𝘶.
𝘜𝘯𝘧𝘪𝘭𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥.
𝘜𝘯𝘢𝘱𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘦𝘵𝘪𝘤.
𝘜𝘯𝘦𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥.

And that's what they fear the most.

𝘼 𝙬𝙤𝙢𝙖𝙣 𝙬𝙝𝙤 𝙞𝙨 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡!

No more Anna Sebastian Perayil or this 10th grade girl doing what they did. We are done with the stress. We are done with the pressure. We are done with a world and a system which is encashing on our insecurities.

And so since then, the energy in my business has shifted.
The energy with which I show up in every program of mine has shifted.
The energy with which I serve has shifted.
The energy with which I create content has shifted.
The energy with which I live my life, show up in my relationships and for myself has shifted.

I would be lying if I say I have killed my ego completely. Of course it springs up, reminding me of its presence. But now I am making it my ally rather than an enemy. I take a moment to be proud of myself, celebrate myself realising I am who I am without the external validation and then go back to work.

Because this is not about me anymore.

It is about this purpose where every life matters.

Love,
Xx Pradnya xX

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