Peeling the Layers of Guilt: Why Women Feel Guilt in a Different Way

“No one blames her."
"That never matters," said Alec. "Not when you blame yourself.”

How many of you resonate with this?

The last week has been about navigating guilt with my clients in my one on one mentoring. And most of this guilt was a self projection by these women rather than being a reality.

Food for Thought: “The guilt which I feel is a reality or self projected by me thinking I have failed my kids/spouse/society?”

Pooja travels 3 days a week leaving her husband and her 12 year old daughter behind. The amount of guilt that she carries for being away is tremendous. Her body especially shoulders are always heavy. It is no surprise that she feels exhausted mid day carrying the baggage.

Charu’s first priority is sorting her work schedule and organizing her work for the week. Only after that can she prioritise the kitchen needs. Deep inside her body there is a struggle going on. “Am I bad mom and wife for having to prioritise my work first?”

Snigdha has been on bed for 3 days. Immense pangs of guilt strike her as she asks help from her family members to cater to her daughter’s needs. In her mind she is thinking about how to repay all these efforts.

Imagine the kind of pressure and baggage these women have been carrying. Do you think a human being can unleash their fullest potential when they are blinded with guilt? An emotion which keep gnawing us from inside.

Let’s peel the layers of guilt in this newsletter, for us to understand the nuances of this emotion to navigate it better.

Guilt and Morality

Let’s rewind to a time when you felt immensely guilty. What made you feel this way? Guilt is connected with a sense of morality. A set of standards or values we need to live up to. guilt is linked not with an external event, but with our own behaviour, a sense we’ve done something we shouldn’t, or not done something we should’ve.

And the rules and values set for women are different than men. We feel guilty when we sense a shortfall between our own behaviour and these standards or values. All the 3 women listed above felt guilty because they felt a shortfall in their efforts in being a good wife and mother set by the society since ages.

Food for Thought: Do the society standards we adhere to are still relevant in today’s day and age? Who has decided these standards? Why do we fear breaking through these standards?

One of the first steps to navigating guilt is setting our own family standards by mutually having a fruitful discussion. A lot of women especially the ones who are rising in their career are doing this. You can explore and try it too.

Guilt and Stress

When guilt is not released, it starts piling up in our body to create stress. There comes a point when stress becomes unbearable and its repercussions start appearing in the form of brain fog, exhaustion and irritability.

Some noises that start appearing in our heads are, "Who are you to say that/do that/make that choice?"

OR

"How can you choose yourself first?”

​Often high, achieving women build their success grades, respect and even love by being all-in, all-singing, dancing woman who wants to be their best and do their best in any room she's ever in. So when you have an inner need to do something different, it goes against all the safety you've built for years. Your body and mind panic. It's way easier for your body and mind to conform to the reputation you've built yourself.

To Feel guilty because her choice, which she longs for, will let someone down somewhere or isolate her. Every driven, ambitious woman I have ever worked with believes she needs to do better, be the best and often to the detriment of herself and live a life that she feels herself in.

You do not want to go beyond that conformity and set your own rules. That is the beginning of the snowball of guilt transforming into stress and getting bigger by the day.

If you are resonating with this, THIS IS YOUR SIGN TO STOP FROM BEING BURN OUT. A small step from today can help you from exhausting yourself.

Food for Thought: ​
“Where in my life am I placing others needs before me and feeling utterly frustrated about it?”
“Where in my life am I being the good girl and it is suffocating me?”
“If I had to set my own standards of being a good girl, how would they look and feel like?”
“What help do I need to be able to conform to my standards rather than being in everyone’s good books?”

Guilt and Love

I work with highly ambitious women and the biggest dilemma they come to me with is, “Pradnya, I absolutely love my work. The kind of high I get at work, I do not feel that with my family. Does that mean I am a bad human being and a worst mother and wife?”

I feel for this woman. I feel her so intensely because at one point she was me.

What I have realised is that my work is my passion. When I am ignited with my passion (work), I am a better wife and mother. I am more present in other phases of my life with this ignition. Does that mean I love my work better? In reality, ‘no’. Comparing work and family is like comparing apples and oranges. The way you love your work cannot be reciprocated into the way you love your family. The adrenaline rush of a work achievement cannot be compared to the warmth of a family. And the adrenaline rush will always feel more alive than the love so the confusion in our system about whom do we love more. To be honest, there is NO comparison because both these things are NOT COMPARABLE, not in the same league of comparison.

So if you are being carrying this guilt, let it go. Let your shoulders droop and let your body feel the lightness. “You are an amazing spouse and mother! You have been carrying the weight of misplaced guilt till now. Let it go. Let it go. Let it go”.

Lastly, whenever you feel the pangs of guilt nestling around you…..
Ask this one question to yourself….
“If I had been a man, would I have felt guilty in this situation/incident?”

And when the answer is ‘no’, you know where to start to dismantle the root cause.

So, my invitation to you is to read, take on this email and see what resonates for you.

Hit reply,

Vent.

Speak out.

Share it out.

Speak out what is your truth behind closed doors as a step if you wish.

Because when one woman speaks out, she gives courage to 10 other women to do the same.

For the entire month of February, I will be talking about guilt on my LinkedIn. Peeling off more layers for you to navigate this emotion in a better way. We deserve to be liberated and lead a freer life! Join Guilt Diaries here.

Much love,
Pradnya 

The juicy things happening in my life in upcoming weeks...

1. I will be replying to all of you who email me your insights on this newsletter.
   

2. Lose patience with your kids to yell and get angry? And the very next moment do you feel remorseful?
   We will be navigating ‘anger’ in a one hour webinar called ‘The Art of Patient Parenting’. Join us here to know more!
   

3. Have been wanting to share your story but feeling your story is not good enough or your writing is not good enough? Join Monica and I as we lead you into a journey of self exploration, journaling prompts, hot seat coaching and guided meditations making you confident in sharing your story. Know more about Courageous Storytelling here.